


i can't quit you

by orphan_account



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Baby Blasters (Undertale), Alternate Universe - Underswap (Undertale), Character Study, Gen, Underswap Muffet (Undertale), Underswap Papyrus (Undertale), Underswap Sans (Undertale), frick gaster amirite, goddammit jerry, i love us oop, papy needs a hug, unbeta'd we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-30
Updated: 2019-10-30
Packaged: 2021-01-13 02:01:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21236303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: sans asks him constantly why he's addicted to such "HORRIBLE SMELLING, LUNG CANCER-INDUCING DEATH STICKS."papyrus can't verbally explain, but he knows exactly why.





	i can't quit you

it started as a mistake when he was twelve.

after escaping their da-- _the doctor_, they were on the run for quite a while. it wasn't as if they had any relatives they could stay with. hell, they weren't even supposed to be alive, meaning no one even knew of their existence, and sleeping behind garbage cans can make you encounter some strange people who don't care that you're just a child, carrying a baby, cold and hungry and scared and alone.

papyrus learns this when he takes a wrong turn, and an old man beckons him with a groggy, raspy voice.

"hey, kid," the man starts, and papyrus instantly feels every bone in his body wanting to run. he stands still, eyes wide, sans still peacefully asleep in his arms. "why don't'cha sit down with me f'r a minute, eh?"

of course, his first instinct is to say no and get as far away as possible. however, it's overruled by the sudden burst of exhaustion that fills him. his legs hurt, badly. there had been a few places they stayed for a bit, such as the waterfall where there were few residents and many hiding places. it became apparent though that with the lack of people, there was also a lack of food, and papyrus was noticing sans' cheeks become a little less chubby by the minute. so, they kept moving. now, they were in a snowy town, with plenty of people, and little hiding spots. papyrus didn't wanna stay here too long, he couldn't risk sans getting sick or them getting caught, but a break wouldn't hurt anyone.

after a moment of conteplation and a once-over of the man to make sure he didn't have weapons, he made up his mind. hoping the lack of movement didn't stir his sleeping brother, papyrus sat down, trying to ignore how the snow seeped uncomfortably into his dirty pants. his nerves were high, but the man only hummed, almost as if all he wanted was some company. papyrus noticed the smoke floating around him and assumed it was just his breath from the chilly air, but he realized it wasn't when he saw the small, burning ember.

he watched closely as the man brought the strange stick to his mouth. he inhaled and then exhaled after a moment, making the cloud of smoke become bigger and more vibrant. it was almost facsinating. 

then, the man looked over, saw him staring, and held the burning stick out.

"wanna drag?"

papyrus contemplated once more. he'd seen the doctor with these a few times, whenever he was waiting for "his guinea pigs" to either react to whatever he'd given them or pass out from pain. in that sense, papyrus saw them as evil, just as he saw the doctor. but, the man beside him didn't seem very evil. if anything, he seemed almost generous.

the stick wiggled, and papyrus knew now he was insisting. carefully removing his own hand from sans' tight grip, he grabbed the stick, surprised that it wasn't even hot despite the fire at the end. then, after checking it to make sure it wouldn't cause him any harm, he brought it to his lips and copied what the man had done.

it was horrible. the taste was disgusting, there was a burn in the back of his throat, and his lungs were on fire. papyrus tried his best to keep the coughs in as best as he could, but with his chest moving rapidly, sans began to wake up. thankfully, he didn't fully rouse as papyrus got control of his lungs back, snuggling back into his stomach once again.

despite all of the bad things about it, a strange relaxed feeling washed over him. he hadn't felt that in a while; not with all of the nights he spent wide awake, holding sans close and just daring the doctor to try and take him away to stick more needles into his arms for his stupid experiments, or the nights following where he let sans sleep peacefully as he kept a look-out for predators. his tense shoulders slumped, just slightly, and his head felt a little more clear, almost floating. without realizing it, he began to smile as he passed the stick back to the man.

they stayed that way, passing it back and forth, until it was nothing but the butt, which was squished into the snow.

it went on like that for a while and soon the man, who introduced himself as jerry, made a deal with him. papyrus would steal the cigarettes from the convenience store around the corner and, in return, jerry would find food for them. every time he came back with a pack, the man would pat his back approvingly, hand him a cold burger or some half-eaten fries and light up the cigarette with a match. he'd pass it to papyrus everyone once in a while as sans happily ate in his lap. then, finally, jerry allowed him a full cigarette of his own, which was almost relaxing enough to put him to sleep. almost.

around two weeks later, muffet found them behind her bar, and offered them a place to stay. it was starting to snow again, heavily, and sans was starting to sneeze.

so, they stayed in the back of the bar, on a little fouton with heat, a television and food. everything was okay.

at first, papyrus tried to ignore the urge for a cigarette. he ignored the headaches, the aggrivation and all, until he couldn't.

after making sure muffet truly had no ill intentions and wouldn't hurt his little brother, he went to the door and put his hood up.

"i'm going out for a walk."

it wasn't all a lie, as he did have to walk to the convenience store. he'd smoke around three behind the building, just to give him enough to hold himself off for a while so he wouldn't be suspiciously going outside every other hour. then, he'd walk back to muffets bar and enter again as if nothing had happened, but muffet always scrunched up her nose when he walked past her.

one day, muffet stopped him before he made it to the door. she made sure sans couldn't hear them before she spoke.

"when did you start?"

it took papyrus a second to shake off the genuine fear soaring through his body. she didn't look angry, only curious, but the doctor never looked very angry either, only curious.

he balled up his fists in his hoodies' pockets.

"little bit ago. what's it to you?"

he couldn't trust the way her eyes softened at his tone, even if he felt bad for assuming she meant trouble. she seemed to think about her next words for a moment before speaking again.

"don't do it around sans. i don't want him getting secondhand smoke."

and at that, she moved away from the doorway, giving him access to leave for the convenience store. papyrus blinked, utterly confused, before walking out the door.

as if years were water that bled through his fingers, he was soon eighteen, and now had two jobs, a house not far from muffets bar and a whole world of trauma that he never spoke about. sans had just turned seven, and seemed to have forgotten about his life before living in snowdin, which was a very good thing that papyrus appreciated. now that he was of age, papyrus could buy his own cigarettes, which stopped the anxiety of him getting caught and taken away from his baby bro who was still full of energy and life despite the horrible things that had happened to him.

one day, as he watched on sleepily while sans played in the snow with a few of the kids around town, making snowmen and throwing snowballs, he pulled out his pack and lighter. sans must've heard the click as he turned around and looked at papyrus with a puzzled expression before walking over.

"WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS?" he asked, and papyrus laughed a little. it reminded him of when he'd first seen jerry.

"nothin' of your concern. go play."

sans grumbled a little about how bad "WHATEVER IT WAS" smelled, but did as his older brother said. papyrus couldn't help the sad smile that came to his face.

later that night, after reading sans his favorite story, papyrus tucked him in. he was about to leave when a tiny voice called out to him.

"PAPY... I DON'T LIKE THOSE THINGS."

papyrus hummed, arms on the doorframe as he turned back around. he noted how sans' eyes were suddenly sad and droopy. "yeah?"

"YEAH. THEY MAKE YOU COUGH, DON'T THEY? I HEAR YOU ALL NIGHT."

_shit._ he'd hoped he was being quiet, though there wasn't much he could do to silence the coughs that racked his body, a protest from his lungs about what he put into them.

"well, ah... i guess." he couldn't lie, not when his sweet kid brother looked real close to tears. "but you don't need to worry about that. i'm alright."

sans looked unsure. so, papyrus did was he always did when in awkward, possibly painful situations: he punned his way out.

"in fact, i feel _sansational._"

sans groaned, loudly, but a smile was on his face. good. papyrus shut the door with a grin, despite the heaviness in his heart.

once again, time was water and he had no way of stopping it, and it was now sans who was eighteen. he hadn't grown much since he was a pre-teen and started puberty, now standing at a proud 5'4". his voice was still a little high-pitched, and he'd never lost his excited, determined nature.

papyrus was the same too, in all of the different ways.

ever since hearing the tale of monsters vs. humans from a few of the officers at muffets', sans was determined to catch a human, no matter the cost. eventually, he made his way to the capital and refused to leave until he could speak to toriel, the queen, but of course that didn't happen. instead, he made a best friend named undyne, who "trained him". he wouldn't ever get into the royal guard, everyone knew. not with his kind nature, but he continued to try his best. no one had the heart to stop him.

needless to say, papyrus couldn't love his cool brother more. it was impossible.

papyrus still worked a lot of odd jobs just to keep a roof over their head. and, from his many nights of waking up from nightmares of big machines and cold, uncaring eyesockets, he was worn out quickly, which is why he was currently asleep at his "station" that sans had made him to search for any fallen humans.

the little skeleton wasn't happy about it and made that very clear.

"PAPYRUS, YOU LAZY BONES! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING OUT FOR HUMANS!!!" sans yelled, emphasising his words with stomps from his boots. papyrus only smiled.

"sorry, bro. guess i was just..." he held up finger-guns with a wink. "_bone tired._"

sans grunted, hands on his hips like a disappointed mother. "UGH! ENOUGH WITH THOSE! YOU'RE KILLING ME!"

papyrus merely chuckled, reaching into his hoodie pockets for his pack. he grabbed one, lit it and inhaled. same old habit.

sans then crossed his arms. "AND THOSE ARE KILLING YOU! HOW COULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING SO VILE?!"

papyrus shrugged as he exhaled the smoke. "just do. but don't do as i do, do as i..." he pointed the the kids at a top of a hill on a makeshift board under them as they slid down. "_sleigh._"

"FORGET IT, YOU'RE HOPELESS!" sans angrily stormed away, the crunched under his boots only just covering up his annoyed muttered words. papyrus laughed a bit again, and tried to swallow the guilt of it all as he took another drag.

sans was right, he was hopeless. stuck in his ways, stuck in the past. that's what sans didn't know, and papyrus was glad he didn't.

every time the human came through, every time he'd watched his little brother die, every time he'd died, too. it was all so fresh in his mind and he knew, soon, it would start again. reset after reset. things were always just a little different; dialogue, where people were standing, even timelines. always a differrnt ending. always a different color of some dumb sweater against flesh that held a soul.

and yet, through all of the subtle changes, all of the chances he had to forget, he never forgot the doctors' face. never forgot the true monsters he'd made the skeleton brothers with his cruel tests. never forgot the gaster blasters, which helped him when he had to off the little brat who'd stolen everything from him, but nevertheless brought back the worst of memories.

he remembered all of it. the feelings, physical and emotional. however, it was drowned out by the smoke. the tears in his sockets were hidden when the cloud formed his face. his heart would beat erratically, but only from the easy-going wave that came over him, not from the fear of the loop that was his life.

no, he couldn't tell anyone, wouldn't tell anyone. no one else knew, and he needed to keep it that way.

the only thing that kept the secret of the terrible world around them from bubbling out of his mouth was a long, harsh drag from a cigarette, just like when he was twelve and his very existence was a secret.

he smoked. he coughed. he regretted. he remembered.

then, he put the cigarette butt into the snow, stood up and waited for the human to arrive from the ruins. again.

and nothing ever changed.


End file.
